Whats deep enough?

It's a feeling that crawls over me like an unlucky spider.

How do I settle into this? You breathe boy.

Relax that jaw. 

Silence the outside voices. 

The ones inside my head wanna keep talkin too tho.

You breathe boy

returning to the recording on my hp with a headphone in the jack.

3am on a flat air mattress

creating music for everyone and no one at the same time.

I had all this love to give.

I had all this love to give.

"This is where I start to kick a rhyme n

tell ya how you supposed to be mine n 

I find it hard to say these lines when, when

you standin there lookin so fine n

I start to stutter cuz my mind goes a flutter n

I start to wonder what type of spell I'm under n

either way, I say it couldn't be better cuz

the day I saw ya face, I knew it'd last forever but..."

Breathe boy.

...

Revisiting emotional landscapes that I've compartmentalized. 

I speak in codes

I scribble scabble

Unrecognizable to myself

Who am I?

Cat Joooonesss

My words used to be so soft.

soft as the skin I used to moisturize. 

Crackling. 

Vocally broken at the roots...

how do I return to the source?

this sweet child of mine. 

bashful really. 

trust in thy self. 

Open my eyes and try not to run from myself.

For I am the truth, the way, & the light.

2012 (edit 1-3-19)

yo took me a second to get back in the realm of things.
took me a minute to unwind from the scale of unseen schemes.
the things that be killin niggas.
straight grillin niggas.
it's like the 411 done crept up on an nigga.
havin him divulge all his info to express how the story unfolds.
here it goes.

I knew this cat back when i was slangin on the corner.
during a mindset when i had to kill for what i couldn't wait to get. i was a eager beaver leavin every spot (UNDONE) *********************************** In a world where im thinkin 24/7 on how i can make a meaningful difference i see the simplicity that you bring to the city. Implanted dreams n visions of a better livin for you and i and the world as whole. you got the whole world thinkin there's hope for the better. There's a change in the weather. Bright skies miles high Just like my smile when you pass by. i see hope in your thinkin. i feel peace with what you speakin. it's only natural that you should be with me n if you feel what i feel then i know it's more than natural. ***********************************

Say Bye

The Foreign Exchange -
12-19-12 original (edited 1-3-19)

Something to behold i think its that time where i stop doin you n go for mine.
 reality hit me like a ton of bricks.
 i have to see that i'm better without you.
i need to do things without you.
in the past this old lad was feeling sorta doubtful.
that i could ever make it out the slums without you.

but now i have the clouds as my ride and a smile i cant hide.
so watch ya back when i speed through your lane.
looking like a menace too insane.

i still wish you best though
nothing but best yo.
but this tie is too old.
i gotta let it go.
i can't watch my life pass by the window you
felt like a choke hold.

holdin me down in all the wrong ways.
everyday trapped in a daze of confusion but now i see what im losin.

absolutely nothing.

I'm now on my own.
cuz this seat allows only 1 queen to the throne.
and that is I.
the most powerful
so say bye to the chick you use to know.
terribly missed she is so go blow her a kiss.
marinate in the sauce of stupidity for a bit.

Back in the Day

ahmad - back in the day instrumental

Back in the days i use to think i was big n strong
like i had all the powers in the world and could put you on.
now i think back and wonder where all those days have gone.

it's something the older me sorta forgot.
like i thought time was something that could be bought.
but now i realize those were just my silly ways.
damn back in the day.


back in the days when i was young im not a kid anymore
but some days i sit n wish i was a kid again.

back in the days when i was young im not a kid anymore
but some days i sit n wish i was a kid again.

way back then when i was a little youngin.
i use to kick it on the streets moms said i shouldnt look so bummy
pick my feet up when i walk and clear throat before i talk.
speakin to the elders in the church was somethin to sorta hate.
back in the day.

back in the days when i was young im not a kid anymore
but some days i sit n wish i was a kid again.

back in the days when i was young im not a kid anymore
but some days i sit n wish i was a kid again.

now i envy all the times when i had nothing but freetime.
spit silly rhymes about who was next in line to lead storytime.
i'll never forget the times i use to dream of that fateful kiss.
like one day we'd meet and all my dreams would be a reality.
and there you would stand. rose petal in hand. that i gave.
yea back in the day.

back in the days when i was young im not a kid anymore
but some days i sit n wish i was a kid again.

back in the days when i was young im not a kid anymore
but some days i sit n wish i was a kid again.

Some things to say

I see you cheering me on.
Tugging the line between a gleeful fan, and a proud auntie.
You bestow upon me this smile.
Endearing your eyes take shape to the sweetest of grapes.
Big and bold they swell with emotion.
These things I bare witness to on a daily.

I look back at you.
Fixated you are.
Focused you've been.
To share with me the love you have to give.

I'll admit.
I smile and receive the love.
Only to turn inward out of fear of what to do with it.
Self doubt fills my lungs as I suffocate on thoughts of my capabilities or lack of.

You come and place your arms around my waist.
The sweetest touch.
The calming affect one dreams of.
You assure me of what you & I both deserve.

This year can't be like the last.
Why?
Because once you understand what you deserve, there's no more existing as though you didn't have such a comprehension of what can be yours.

So I turn around and ascend my hands towards your waist.
Nose an inch from mine.
Those eyes of yours.
Damn.
The sweetest yo.
Unspoken cues lead me to embrace you.
All of you.

FEELINGS........

What the fuck is happening.

I literally just had the need surface in a major way to journal right now because I'm feeling things for them that are equal parts amazing, and equal parts terrifying.

They are truly something else.
They are caring.
They are sweet.
They are supportive.
They are understanding.
They are freeing.
They are encouraging.
They are a reality check.
They are real.
They are about their shit.
They are self aware.
They are intelligent.
They are adorable.
They are sexy.
They are captivating.
They are intense.
They are goofy.
They are serious.
They are analytical.
They are observant.
They are talented.
They are unique.
They are overcoming.
They are inspiring.
They are self - sufficient.
They are a joy to spend the day with.
They are all the things that get under my skin, and then after that second has pass, I find myself wanting to plant a kiss on those lips they've been blessed with.

They are love.
They are giving of love.

I'm finding myself drowning in this.....love.
Feet digging into the ground I push towards this thing called......love
They are standing there on the other side.
With this smile.
Endearing it is.
Filled with reassurance and accompanied with a stance covered in patience and understanding.
Find myself looking around periodically, to find the source of whose pushing me towards this.....love.
Huh...It's me.
Flinching here and there due to past trauma.
So the slightest hint of affection minus obligation feels unusual.
Unlearning so I can free my space for a different type of furniture.
One that's so comfortable,
One that wants for nothing but the joy of your bum to be placed so gently on their lap.
One that caresses all the best parts of you so well that you wanna stay overnight.

They are.......