whats worse?

trying so hard then failing in the end?

or trying so hard while knowing you still won't win?

i felt another dagger to the heart, nothing new like the last

hopeful once again about the future, but, nothing new like my past.

who am i to think that i'd ever find the one?

leave me alone, don't talk to me, im done.

done trying to stay optimistic, done trying to believe

because when you've given all you've got, & still don't succeed,

thats worst damage done, the worst kind of action, the kind that makes your soul bleed.

yes im down

yes im sad

yes i'd rather moup

due to things i've never had.

dont tell me things will get better, because you speak from experience. I've yet to know the feeling hence....

I've yet to know the feeling of commitment since...since i can't even remember since its yet to exist!

im angry, im upset, im depressed, im jealous, im annoyed, im hurt, im forgotten, tossed aside, any more adjectives and you'd lead me to die.

no im not suicidal just dispirited & downhearted

tonight might be the night were i sleep feeling exhausted.

tired, and confused as to what i can do.

companionless and emotionless

so what else can i do?

stuck sitting here with a puzzled look on my face, because i ache for another living soul to feel for me. selfish that sounds so excuse me.

so if you're reading this and find yourself saying "oh get over it", then imagine your life without your numerous lovers and past confidantes, and tell me then how to "get over it."

dropped.

i can see the fog lifting from my eye, like a huge disguise i climb to the highest peak and sneak at the future and there for me was her. Left standing on a rock with a frame so hot i had no choice to mock all that attempted to infiltrate something so gifted and all in a moments glance she gets me lifted to a more heavenly plank and drops me off to think...

she dropped me off to think.

she dropped me.

**

hypnotized me picked me up again, twirled me around her little finger and promised me we'd sin, But then again, who am i to know that she wouldn't give her love to the highest bidder, because everyone knows that what glitters isn't always gold and just that thought alone leaves me bitter. I'm just trying to get mine so please don't leave me behind, left to die, or left to sink. but just like that she dropped me off to think.

she dropped me off to think.

she dropped me.

**

personal

i sit at this table too frozen to move, one simple touch couldn't have come at a moment too soon. I'm aboard a ship thats overflowing with emotions so dense it could sink. Realizing my future potential has me at stance. So i think. Who am i in this world? who dares to care of the effect i have? i'm just some random girl. With connections so intertwined i suffocate from confusion, people past with a smile painted on you extend a faulty illusion. I've concluded that the best way to let me live is to keep your hurtful words muted. I hang on to every single word you say as if to offer guidance like the selfless bird, that flies above my head grazing the earth and bypassing the skies in all its worth. And to see you smile is worth the trip that took a year and one day and one day i'll see you and i pray not a minute too soon that you'll be mine and then, only then will everything be fine. Because no matter the stress causers the world may throw my way i know that once i graze upon you face everything will be ok.

{i need to make a confession. There is a girl, a unique special girl. A girl who "loves" me. I lack the solid proof to know what kind of love this is. But what i know for certain is that she..."loves" me. And to me, that should be all i need. In my greed I'm blind to this kind of love. It's the kind that few seem to find. They call it unconditional. Subliminal messages are tacked into every crevice of the time we've spent and I know she's found herself left to vent because she "loves" me. I circle the globe to find my love, questioning if she found hers. It kills me to know that it might be me. I search high and low and ignore her face staring into my soul. I toy with her emotions only for my sick advantage. Take her off the shelf like a doll and blow care to wind if i fail to catch her fall. I may not be her true love, but when someone "loves" me. what else should I see? Is there hope for me? maybe}

journey.

optimism never formed a frown when received bad news. She kept walking in hopes of you. Hopes and dreams of things unseen no matter the let downs or frowns that would beam whenever she spoke of a positive dream.

she knew her day would come even if she approached it alone. It was her own doing and beliveing that kept her stride strong. Her prayers and humbling attitude that lead her to know her princess would soon come along.

all around her matches made on earth, mis matches blamed at birth.

to the ineviatble go the faithful

but when my turn is up i curse the stars that aligned us so we would fall apart.

hands thrown to the sky and why oh why did it have to end like this, such a beautuful moment, so i froze it, in time we can heal the cracks, and avoid the things i lack, and make up for the fuck ups and just my luck to be dumb struck with gilt at that fact that i love.. you.

only you know the ways in which my heart beats off the normal path and runs wild and free, chaotically and frantically i run to thee so that one day you and i become... we.

we are the best thing to happen and just imagine when its all said and done, the fight is over, we won.

leave no stone untunred the mysterious blessings are hiddin in majestic crevice and just as i am about to take my exit i blow a kiss into the field and pray that you will feel the breeze direct its path and land on your lap. But soon i'll be there to place that peck on your neck and nuzzle my way to your lips and all those dips we passed along the scenery will be nothing but a long lost memory.

Song #3

"i'll pray"

water falls

down the window

wait for me

pain stays

love goes

so much hurt for me

i think that

i can be ok if i just let go

but when the world closes you off

thats just too

hard of a flow

i just wanna heal

see whats real

and think of the past when i use to feel

so ill pray for heaven to open its gates

and let me in and forget all my past frightful ways

a simple man once told me that i could go far off a single blink

so there i was left to think

if he's right when i awake what will my eyes see?

hopefully you standing there beside me..... if not..

ill pray for heaven to open its gates

and let me in and forget all my past frightful ways

ill pray for heaven to open its gates

and let me in and forget all my past frightful ways

i just wanna heal

see whats real

i just wanna heal

see whats real

and think of the past when i use to feel

and think of the past when i use to feel

song #2

"so funk"

hearts pacin

down floor

you and i

want some more

so come n get me

im all yours tonight

i cant wait to give it to you

give it to you right

so funky the beat now baby, just throw it my way n we'll do it all day

so funky the beat now baby, just throw it my way n we'll do it all day

i just cant wait no more

is what you hear me say.

you make body so sore

so this is our love today

sensual the kiss

so soft the touch

we have all day

so baby honey whats the rush

so funky the beat now baby, just throw it my way n we'll do it all day

so funky the beat now baby, just throw it my way n we'll do it all day

i give you every inch of me till you make me scream.................*Sigh*

ohh..ahhh...mmmmm.....uuhhhh. ohh baby.

*spoken word*

song #1

"right now"

if it could be

then let it be

cuz only i can see

that i need you right now with me

I searched all my life for something

that i could call my own

so many nights spent waitin for you

while being alone.

think back to past when we use to fool around,

sat next to ya made a pass then skipped class

just walk around town

one look had me sealed

one kiss landed the deal

who knew that heaven on earth could feel this real

so one thing is certain.......

i need you right now.

right nowww

right nowww

right nowww

right nowww

1 2 34

lets go back for more

i think that im addicted on ur gift

and i need a fix

1 2 34

lets go back for more

i think that im addicted on ur gift

and i need a fix

right nowww

right nowww

right nowww

right nowww

you said youd never go away from me

i believed you since the moment that you and i became we

i get so weak that i can barely speak

grant my desire and lets be together forver but till then

lets just have right now

when time is of the essence you touch becomes a blessing

i thank god for such a creation

so for that i cant help but become fixated

when we touch i scream from excitement my apologies i just cant help it!

right nowww

right nowww

right nowww

right nowww

1 2 34

lets go back for more

i think that im addicted on ur gift

and i need a fix

right nowww

right nowww

right nowww

right nowww

stop..

stop expecting things from the hands of others.

once you learn this pattern your bound to move on to another.

Another better path with high hopes and strong confidence

a place were your praised & thanked, instead of mocked & dissed.

It'll take a while, for that i won't lie.

But the journey is worth it to be on cloud 9.

cloud 1, 2, 3, & 4 too!

whatever number means the most to you.

like the old saying goes, "go where you're appreciated not tolerated"

I've been on both extremes of that bit more than cared for, & not so much hated.

with bigger problems in my life that could span the globe,

why sweat the small stuff for all you know?

because the smallest things mean so much to me

i feed off of good vibes and even smaller victories.

like a great day with friends, or simple night in

the joy of resting my head at night knowing that today was a win.

a favor in my court to wear a smile on my face

instead of staking up the tension from embarrassment & disgrace.

a moment of peace in a world of chaos

as appose to a moment of grief & feeling of being lost.

i have things to be happy about, that much is true

but how would you feel if you constantly felt alone n like last years news?

im dramatic of course i won't deny that

but i have so much hurt that i can't hide that.

i stretch my heart to limits that aren't unhealthy

for the sake of keeping friends around to benefit me safely

i hate my "home"

i hate my "surroundings"

i hate my life right now

no matter how its sounding, i just hate everything everything right now.

why even try rationalizing.

one more sarcastic remark to test my patience is too much to take when at a moments break i find myself on the verge of breaking your neck n heck i just cant take it anymore. I try to prevent these past occurrence from being an eye sore, but these past festivities have become such a bore. Or, maybe it's more.

Maybe it's the company i've been kept, felt this irritation for so long that it's something worth noting. Show me who you really are without the glimmer and glam of a crackling star.

I'm over the bickering, and taunting of strangers who fail to keep your interest and fall into the pits of the things you think are "the shit." One day, a shot too soon, will my feelings ring true and i'll unleash this beast and map out the lies and trickery you all have poured unto me, but pitty me not. Consider it a selfish considerate deal. For i'll tell you how i feel, it'll be real, and then, from there i part ways. because i don't care to continue my days in such ways that convey drama among people who mean a tad more than much to me.

I deserve the highest of highs and the best of best, no longer should i put up with the bullshit and be left with the rest n left on my own, all alone, but "hey its ok, don't trip! i gotchu." nah, ill pass but heres a big fuck you!

i may not ever express myself in the form of my liking but i pray to GOD i have the strength to overcome this urge of fighting with the right to settle for the wrong because i wanna believe it's were i belong. well not for long. I am too strong to hold myself back, i have too much potential to fall off track.